Lifelong Learning Hurts Sometimes

We all know that we learn from our mistakes. I've had cause lately to revisit that thought and to remember that not all learning comes from mistakes and that just because a lesson hurts that it doesn't mean it was a mistake.

Case in point... after over a year, our 'other' son decided to move back home. When he moved in beginning last September part time and then full time at the end of December our common goal was to have him save money and get into school. We've worked diligently to that end and on Monday, he started classes. That was also the day that he confirmed his decision (which he'd been mulling over for a week or so) to move back to his parents' house. It was hard not to feel kicked in the gut. Our family LOVES this young man and have embraced him into every facet of our lives. He IS family to us. Of course in the immediate moments after hearing that decision I immediately began (in my typical over thinking fashion) to wonder if the past year had been a mistake. To wonder if all of the sacrifices (emotional, physical and financial) had been worth it because it hurt so much to think that after all of that, we weren't going to be a part of seeing it come to fruition. To be clear, this wasn't an easy decision on his part and we're still not sure exactly why he thinks this particular moment was the right one to decide this. He too feels a part of our family and was torn about leaving. I know this hasn't been easy on him either. But, as I've said to him - it's part of the growing up process. He chose us - we didn't kidnap him, lure him or otherwise offer him anything but ourselves and our unconditional love and support. Which is why it hurts when he 'un'chose us. I'm now in the process of having to explain to many friends and family why he left - except I don't really have an explanation other than it was a feeling on his part. He still loves us. He still thinks he's going to be over at the house all the time. He still feels like he's Scott's 'big brother' and he still considers us his other family. What he doesn't understand is how much explaining I had to do about why he joined us in the first place. Yes, there were some valid reasons but in much the same way (I've learned) as he's stated upon leaving, we just felt that it was the right thing to do. Still, it's hard because I'm the that had to do and is doing the explaining and that human piece of me wants to just give everyone his number so they can ask him.

It's been tempting in the wake of heartache to let bitterness creep in and to wonder if all of the effort was a mistake and to think about what we'd learn from it. But the truth is, it wasn't a mistake to love him and have him be a part of our family. It's tempting to feel betrayed and to develop theories about why and to think the past year was a mistake to mask those feelings. It's downright inviting to think that we'll never open our hearts or house to someone again to avoid feeling this pain. But, in reality, the mistake would be to let those feelings take away the wonderful memories and things we've mutually learned throughout the past year. With my first good night's sleep in weeks under my belt brings perspective - my life would not be the same without having had Brandon in our lives. We know that while he lives in a different house that he always has a home with us. While he may have chosen a different house to live in, he can't 'un'choose us and our capacity for loving him and wanting what's best for him. He himself has an amazing capacity for love and understanding and a potential that all of us saw, and continue to see in him, even if the tears somewhat clouded that picture for a bit. I wouldn't trade the memories made for anything and am grateful to have them.

So yes, learning hurts sometimes. So does life. But remember that just because there is pain doesn't mean it was a mistake. Sometimes it's just an amazing blessing with some added emphasis to make sure you recognize it for what it is or was. And sometimes, it's okay to wish that receiving that blessing didn't hurt quite so much. We're only human after all.

What learning have you experienced that wasn't a mistake but was painful just the same? I'm interested in your thoughts and opinions.