Irony

Just a short post... a minor rant if you will.

Growing up in a relatively small community and a rather large church I spent a good deal of my young adulthood trying to get people to talk to me and not to me via my mom. I can't count the number of times that I would 'hear' from my mom someone's wishes/thoughts/condolences etc. I often wondered what it was that kept them from actually telling me in person.

It took moving, changing churches and separating myself from long time acquaintances to begin to have some of my own identity back. I wasn't just so and so's daughter or recognized because of who my parents are. People actually talked to me.

So here's where the irony comes in. Now, instead of talking to my mom (or me) they just talk to my daughter. I guess I've just been a means to an end. I'm glad she has so many people that love her and want to be in her life. And I guess that means realizing that they don't necessarily want to be in mine.

Running alone has been therapy for me this year - I guess it's also been metaphorical for my life.

I feel like I'm running alone - I know that I have friends and family that love me. But I wonder what it is about me that keeps them from talking to me or seeing me for me. Am I not seeing them for who they are? Maybe I'm too dependent on their perceived investment in me which is where that running metaphor comes in. Maybe I really do need to be alone and stand up for me. Run on my own for a while and not be so caught up in being someone's daughter or someone's mother. If being me, means being alone maybe that's what I have to do.

I'm still growing into who I'm meant to be. This blog is helping me figure out who that is. Till next time.