Absolution is the freeing from blame or guilt. It's also a release from consequences, obligations and penalties. I challenged my friends to look for absolution in the new year rather than setting resolutions.
I am not the kind of person that asks others to do things if I am not willing to do it myself. The thought of absolution is daunting in many regards. There are those from whom I should probably seek some sort of forgiveness. But, in typical 'me' fashion I decided I should start with myself.
An easy starting place was my closet. I'm freeing myself from guilt and blame about unworn or ill-fitting clothes and shoes. I free myself from feeling guilty about giving them a new home with someone who will wear them. I won't feel guilty about the money spent on them or hold on to the thought that I will fit into them or might let myself go enough to have to fit into them. I'm letting freeing up space in my room and closet and not feeling the weight of 'what if's. What if I suddenly need that pair of shoes. What if I suddenly find myself needing more than two pairs of pajamas. What if I gain weight. What if I lose weight. What if, What if, What if. Those 'what if's are so cumbersome. And sometimes they keep you from living what is.
The what is, is sometimes hard to face too. But I am working on freeing myself of the guilt of what my body looks like and the blame I place on myself, life and others for molding it into that shape. I forgive myself for letting myself go. It's a hard one to work on. But I refuse to live my life as a penalty or a consequence for those 'what if's. I am worth being and feeling healthy. I am worthy of a body that is a reflection of who I am on the inside. I am also worthy of not settling for the excuses I offer myself and others for not working out.
The hardest one to work on is my marriage but I am determined there too. I am determined to absolve myself of the guilt I sometimes feel for loving Gary. Yes, he has his quirks. And yes, they are visible to many. And yes, I have been guilty of focusing on them and allowing the opinions of others to shape how I feel about him. But Gary wears his quirks well while others of us try hard to hide them and in doing so deny who we are. He is a good man with many good qualities. My prayer is that I can see Gary with loving eyes that rank the good in him far above the quirks and oddities that sometimes drive me so crazy. My prayer is that I can love him as much as he loves me and show him the same patience that he shows me. I free myself from the blame of my part in the struggles we've had of of constantly looking at the past and see our marriage as a consequence of actions. My prayer is that I look at my relationship as an opportunity and not an obligation. That instead of looking at it as simply a what is, I am able to look at it as what it can be.
The act of absolution is difficult. Which is where I think the resolutions comes in. To forgive takes resolve. To move forward takes action. Neither absolution or resolution are painless - in fact they can be full of pain. But sayings say, 'no pain, no gain' and that 'pain is just weakness leaving the body'. With that pain, and with absolution and resolution comes strength. For me it is not only the outer strength that comes with working out my muscles - it is the inner strength that comes from working out my mind and heart. It is the becoming or evolution of who I am meant to be.
What absolution will you grant yourself this year? What resolutions will arise because of it? And will you be happier when you are stronger inside and out? I am grateful for all of you in my life that walk this road with me and challenge me to be a woman of my word and who are committed to evolving with me as we live.
'Till next time.
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