The Truth

Truth is hard. Some of it is hidden. We often smile when we're not feeling great. We answer "okay" when we're not. We post on facebook how awesome things are. Because the truth is, we're uncomfortable with truth. We're afraid to show when we're hurting, say when we don't like something, acknowledge a weakness or tell someone that they're bugging us - which is only a partial truth because in reality we're often not afraid at all to share those thoughts or feelings with everyone but the person that needs to hear them. Part of that is because we're polite or have learned that speaking up or saying something hurts - either ourselves, or others. We're afraid to show our flaws or acknowledge the flaws of others because in doing so, we might see them in ourselves. We wear clothes and makeup to hide our flaws, do things to draw attention away from them. Things that in reality are just hiding the truth. We lie to ourselves.

For me, one of the hardest truths to face is this: I'm fat. STILL. I am not suffering from excessive face. I haven't been taking prednisone to give me 'moon face'. I'm not 'big boned' - or, if I am, I'm not THAT big boned. I didn't use fatbooth or any of the other photo 'fun' software to make me look this way. I did it to myself. I don't like it. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have to hide it, or pretend that others aren't seeing it or saying, 'wow, what happened to her?" I don't want to run into people from my thin past (which is a DISTANT past at this point) and have them not recognize me. If I'm being truthful, I have felt somewhat powerless to do anything about it lately. Not that anything I've done about it has led me to any great success. All the miles I logged running didn't shed the 100lbs I need to lose. Because, here's another truth - I feel like I'm lazy. Sure I'm busy but so are countless thin people. I just saw a quote on Mindbloom.com (side note - I really love this site for helping with reaching some goals and working on being un-lazy) that said, "Losing weight is hard, maintaining weight is hard, staying fat is hard. Choose your hard." It made me think, why have I chosen staying fat? I'm still working out those answers but some that I've come up with are: (rational or not) It's not fair that this happened, it's not my fault, there must be a medical reason, I just want a quick fix, and, it's harder to lose (change) than it is to stay the same. While the losing weight is hard and the staying fat is hard, it somehow just seems less hard. It's the path of least resistance. The least change. Because, and here's another truth that's been kicking my butt lately, I'm afraid of change. I actually REALLY liked my life the way it was. Or I told myself that I did. I liked the age the kids were, the school they were in. I liked my friends, my job, my church, and my activities (it felt very "Step-Brothers-ish to say 'activities'". I feel like a tantrumming two year old laying on the ground kicking and screaming, "I don't want anything else to change". I don't want the kids to grow up - well, I want them to grow up, I just don't necessarily want them to grow apart from me - even though I do... kind of... I don't like the way some of my friendships have changed but appreciate the way that God has provided others through the transition. Changing churches three years ago was necessary and I don't regret that choice but I'm still not entirely comfortable in our 'new' church. But I lied and said I was. And truthfully, I wouldn't change because I love the message and philosophy - I just haven't given the people a chance and haven't made myself get involved. So really, I have myself to blame. I also love my job. I want to finish my degree but the truth is, I'm not sure I want to teach. I'm not sure I want to work. But I have to. Maybe I'm going through the proverbial midlife crisis. For sure I'm going through some empty nesting. The truth is though, I'm still fat. I'm holding on to the weight because it seems like that's the only thing that's staying the same. Which is ironic because while I don't really have a lot of control over the other things in life that are changing, this is one that I could have control over and choose not to. What is that all about? So, I've figured that if I take control of the weight, or at least take ownership of it, maybe some of the control, or at least the need for it, will lessen in other areas. But, like everything else, it takes work. So I have to put aside another truth - that I am a lot of words and not a lot of action. I need to let my actions be my words.

My hope - and truly my prayer - is that year from now I might post another picture that speaks volumes about my ability to act and about the truth of who I am, or at least who I want to be, a woman of honesty, truth, integrity and action. (I imagine it might be your hope that I post something fun and 'less heavy' one of these days too).

Are there truths that you are afraid to speak or acknowledge? Are there things you would like to change? You don't have to speak them in a blog (leave that to fools like me) but if you want support, know that I'm here for you and am willing to cheer you on in your own journey. I know I need cheerleaders for mine.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2012 that finds all of us comfortable with the truth in our lives.

Until next time.