Facing Panic

Some of you know I have a panic disorder. When I share this with people, the response is often, "What? but you speak in front of the whole school" or, "You appear so confident". I'm not sure when it started. Some signs would point to my elementary years when I would make my brother go ask for a cookie at the grocery store because I didn't want to talk to the nice bakery lady. Or maybe when I honestly would have rather wet my pants than ask a stranger where a bathroom was (thankfully, I'm also industrious and rather tenacious so that never actually happened and I was always able to locate one in time.)

     There were things that happened in high school that made me have to know where my exits were and prefer to have a view of the room rather than having people come up behind me. I generally hate crowds or the unfamiliar. A lot of it boils down to control. I know that I don't like to be in a situation where, if not in control of  the outcomes, I haven't at least had time to think through what several possible outcomes could be. I like to be prepared. Most of the time, I can foresee a possible anxiety situation and plan for it. For example - and this is no secret to most of my friends - our staff parties give me hives. I LOVE the people that I work with but going to a function is often gut wrenching. So, I'll get a ride with someone so I don't have the option of not going. I wear completely impractical shoes so that I can't leave and walk home (and trust me, I've walked up to 10 miles home from one). I'll try to arrive early to scope out the seat that will give me the least chance of having a complete freak out and, if it's been a particularly stressful week leading up to it, I do have some anti-anxiety medication. I do all of this because nine times out of ten, if I can just get there I'll be okay. It's the tricks my mind likes to play on me before hand that tend to do a number on me.

     But then, there are the other times. The times that I think everything is going swimmingly and I have no inkling that panic is planning an attack. Those times are the worst. Like at a PTO Board meeting when someone said something completely innocuous and all I could think was, "I have to get out of here". No good reason. No obvious sign. Just a complete and utter, "I am going to die if I don't leave right now." And so, I raced out of a meeting of 5 of my good friends and drove... to Arlington, telling myself that I risked damaging my friendships, my reputation and who knows what else if I didn't turn around and go back to that meeting and apologize. Which I did.... Awkward.

     Or, when I'm excited to celebrate a dear friend's birthday - a true celebration of life as she is cancer free. And the simplest thing of moving two tables together and shifting where I was going to sit, completely threw me for a loop and I had to leave without so much a "Happy Birthday" or a goodbye to those that I care about. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying. Awkward and embarrassing.

     Sometimes the fight or flight is so strong I have left or not even gone to holiday dinners or other celebrations, making family and loved ones feel that they've done something wrong or that I'm mad at them. The truth is, I'm mad at myself. I wish that it didn't happen that way. I wish that the all encompassing feeling that I'm going to die or the world is going to end in that particular moment would just go away with some visualization or deep breathing. But in reality, it just makes me feel a little crazy. And a lot worried about the damage I'm doing to those that I care about.

     If I put on my 'mom', 'Mrs. Rink', or other hats it's easier. I'm always willing to talk to someone or do something for someone else under one of those hats. Which makes me think that some of it is really a fear of rejection - of someone not liking me or the things that I think or feel. I know some of that stems from a childhood of not speaking up. Not that there weren't people that would have listened but that I was afraid they wouldn't like what I had to say. And so, in an effort to swing the pendulum the other way, I often speak up too much or say,do or think things that I shouldn't. Which then puts me in some of those situations that induce the chaos or panic.

     It had gotten better for a while and I've been struggling to figure out why it's taken a turn again. Which boils down to that control thing. The fact of the matter is, (ready for the big, "DUH!" moment?), I can't control everything. In fact, life has never been more out of my control. The kids are getting older and growing up and away, as they should - that actually was in the plan and has been my purpose and reason for living for a great many years. I'm a year away from graduation for myself and don't have control of that future. Will I teach? Sub? sit around and just stare at the degree that has eluded me for so long? Some of the signs of middle age are kicking in; hormones, weight fluctuations, injuries that are slower to heal. Just more ways that I am not in control of my body. And so, I panic.

     But, when I take stock of the things in my life - my family (human and furry), friends, job and co-workers, and so much more, I know that I am blessed. I know that I can have peace. Most of all I know that I have a Savior that loves me immeasurably more than I can ever love myself. Which is another realization. It isn't necessarily a fear of being rejected by others that is holding me back - it is my own rejection of myself. Not liking myself for who am I or accepting myself for who I am. My VERY wise 'other' son, Brandon said that I am guilty of projecting what others do/might/should/could think or feel, even when they aren't actually feeling or thinking those things. I have been chewing on that for a while. And it's true. I spend a great deal of time "feeling". My capacity for sympathy or empathy is inflated to such a degree that it's often not healthy for me. To a certain point, Facebook has been not such a great place for changing that. I worry, ponder or infer things from posts and the volume of people I'm connected with through FB, work, church and the kids could easily make that a full time job alone.

     I posted a few weeks back that "Sometimes no matter who you want to be, you're still stuck with who you are". I want to be that person that can feel confident in any situation. I want to be able to socialize with friends and not worry about whether or not the panic will take over. I want to be able to listen to what my family and friends are truly thinking and feeling without projecting it for them. But I want to be heard too. I want to feel like some (not all, because I know there's a lot) of my feelings and thoughts are important too. I want to feel cared about and loved. I don't want to feel stuck with who I am. But in order for that to happen, I have to like myself. I have to accept myself. As I've often told the kids (when it comes to cottage cheese or lima beans), "I won't ask you to anything that I'm not willing to do myself." I haven't been living that truth. I have asked many of you to accept yourselves, forgive yourselves, and love yourselves. I have accepted, loved and forgiven just about everyone except myself.

     So, in 2012 I propose to do just that. I am working to love, accept and forgive myself. To listen more. To use less Kleenex (damn those watery eyes!). To be better. To not feel stuck. To make the face of panic a thing of the past, or at least a face that doesn't show up quite so often. To be authentic and not make excuses. I ask you, my family, friends and loyal readers (all three of you...lol) to hold me accountable. To ask how it's going from time to time. To ask me the hard questions that I so enjoy asking all of you. Tell me to be quiet. Tell me when you just want me to listen. Remind me if I didn't ask before giving you advice. I just want to be a better me or to at least accept me for who I am and who I'm meant to be.

Love to you all!