I've been giving a lot of thought to those words over the past couple of months. What does it mean? Is it to outwit, outplay, outlast as the TV show says? Is it just barely getting by? Is it defeating one's demons, whether cancer or self-doubt?
Sometimes people will ask, "How's it going?" and I'll reply, "Oh... I'm surviving".
The web definition says:
sur·vive
sərˈvīv/
verb
- continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship."against all odds the child survived"
synonyms: remain alive, live, sustain oneself, pull through, get through, hold on/out, make it, keep body and soul together
If that's true then when I answer, "I'm surviving" - I am cheapening the definition. I do not live in danger or even real hardship. My circumstances are not all that difficult. I have not had a major ordeal.
I think some of the reflection is coming from the fact that I'm doing the Survivor Mud Run this weekend. I signed up to do it some time ago and wanted to honor my friend Kellie by doing it in her stead. We had thought when we signed up for last year's race that she'd be healthy enough to participate with us and when she wasn't we hoped that we'd be celebrating and running it with her this year instead. But she didn't survive cancer. To be sure, she fought and kicked and screamed at it as much as she could - and did so with a smile. And so, I'm battling a case of the 'it's not fair's and waging a war with 'why'. Doing the "To Hell with Cancer 5k" a few weeks ago seemed to more appropriately lend itself to what I'm feeling.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my friend. Not a day goes by that one of my students doesn't mention her. Several of them wear their bracelets and grab my hand to match our wrists together and that tugs at my heart.
The bottom line is that I wanted Kellie to be a Survivor. I want her to be here. It took reading my last blog to come to grips with the fact that she is - but just not in the way we had hoped and dreamed. She is survived by those that loved her. She is in the hearts and minds of many. She will be with me in the mud and sweat on Saturday and I will do the race because she can't.
This past year has been about discovering more of who I am meant to be - because I wasn't all that happy with parts of who I was. In many ways I was just existing.
Watching Kellie and others go through some pretty horrendous struggles this past year has shown me that just existing isn't taking advantage of the gift we've been given. Vivere is Latin for "Live" - it's active and moving, not passive. I'm pretty sure the Survivor Mud Run is about as active and moving as I can get.
Are you living? Are you embracing life in all of its messy, chaotic glory? Are you thankful for your love handles, hectic job, busy kids, cluttered kitchen and unfolded laundry? Because if you're not - you're missing the point. We may not enjoy every moment that we're given (in fact, I know we won't) but we should certainly be grateful for EVERY moment because to do less than that disrespects those who truly have survived and those that are surviving others. We learn from those less than enjoyable moments and at least we are living to experience them.
So, on Saturday at about 10am at Remlinger Farms, I'll be challenging my body to do things my mind says I can't. I'm sure there'll be a couple of moments where I question my sanity (again). I absolutely know that I 100% will NOT enjoy the 12 foot wall. But I'll get over it (literally and figuratively.) I won't give up and I won't be passive. There might be a few tears mixed in with the mud and sweat because this race won't be everything I thought it was supposed to be. With any luck, it will be more. In some ways, it already is. And for that, I am grateful.
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