Do you ever have those times when you want to do something and you tell yourself that you think you can but hidden in your heart of hearts are those doubts and the feeling that you probably can't?
Such has been this running goal of mine. I have been saying for the past seven years since I got "serious" about running again that I wanted to run a 10 minute mile (or less) at least once in my life. In 2007 I started running and racing again. It was surprising and a little depressing how willing my mind was but how unwilling the body was. I was a (former) sprinter trying to be a distance runner in a shot putters body and it just wasn't coming together. To top it off I was mom to two talented runners and team mom to countless others. I was surrounded by people who had seemingly put the pieces together. I continued to race but wasn't really seeing the times come down. I don't know what happened in 2009 but apparently we were super busy because I didn't race as much, although I was logging miles trying to earn my Thin Clad T with the cross country team. I decided to try a half marathon and started training for it. I told myself that I needed to pace myself and that it was more about the mileage than the speed so I didn't really push myself (in hindsight).
In 2011 my other foot started flaring up and I was trying to be good about rehabbing it having learned my lesson from the other bout that resulted in major surgery. I took some time off and when it was finally good to go I found that I had lost whatever speed I thought I'd had. I was going to the gym and working out but my times were not reflecting it. I started to tell myself that a 13-14minute mile was just going to have to be good enough and was starting to get used to running a 40+ minute 5k and wondered to myself how I had ever accomplished a 37:20 (my best time in 2007) and doubted the course length - like maybe it had been a fluke.
A lot of life was happening too throughout this past few years- kids were graduating high school, I was finishing my degree FINALLY and contemplating a job change and we were navigating the empty nest and the aging and eventual loss of my remaining grandparents. Some friends were going through some major challenges and running became my outlet again. A dear friend from my childhood decided to start running too and we started signing up for races together. Last year (2013) I did 15 races and in the fall I started to see my times drop below 40 minutes. Still, it wasn't what I wanted. In November I did a race over Thanksgiving weekend and a few days later could barely walk. A stress fracture was the possible diagnosis and time off was the 'cure'. It honestly took a lot out of me. I was finally starting to see a little light and here I was going to be set back and have to take 4-6 weeks off. I got a Fitbit for Christmas and couldn't wait for the green light to start training again. It's amazing how wanting to get those 10 thousand steps each day is motivating.
As the year started and I began training again I was surprised when my first race back was actually a PR - and low and behold, it was a 36:44 - faster than my best race in 7 years. I started to think that *maybe* I could actually hit that 10 minute mile by the end of 2014. I ran another race in February and ran a little faster. This was uncharted territory for me. I haven't run this fast since I was in college. And in college I had a MUCH different body. And so, this month I've been really working towards the goal of an 11 minute mile believing that every big goal should be broken down into manageable parts.
And goals are interesting things for me. I've set them but haven't really been affected if I didn't realize them... until now. I'd been using MapMyRun to track my mileage and they added a goal feature. You can set goals for speed, distance, number of workouts etc. I set a 6 week goal of running an 11 minute mile in my quest for that 10 minute mile by the end of the year. I had run some 11:16s in my last race so felt like it was probably in me. With only a week left for the goal I decided to do a time trial. I went out for a run and was once again thwarted by the dreaded stop lights. I felt like I would have hit the goal but stopping for lights slowed my pace (and I couldn't get my phone out of my pocket fast enough to 'pause'). SO, the next day after a 3/4 mile warmup I headed to a trail that has a 1 mile point to point run. I took off and was feeling good. There was some mud on the trail and I slipped a little and slowed my pace for a few steps to recover. I was huffing and puffing a bit and thought for sure I must be on pace. That voice in my head said, "you're huffing and puffing A LOT... maybe you should slow down" but I ignored it. I passed the 1/4 mile mark. I passed the 1/2 mile mark. Telling myself that it was just the equivalent of 2 laps around the track, I kept plugging along. When I hit the 3/4 mile mark I was feeling DONE but kept going... I saw the finish point and waited for my GPS to say those magic words "total distance ONE mile"... and waited... I passed what should have been the 1 mile mark and continued around the park. About 200 feet further and I was running out of real estate. I decided I needed to exit and get back on the street. Unfortunately the path to the street had ankle sucking mud and I slowed to cautious steps. Three steps onto the pavement and that robotic voice finally chimed in, "Total distance: 1 mile, total time: 11 minutes 4 seconds".... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I replayed the mile in my mind and kicked myself for that mud that had slowed me. To add insult to injury, when I got home and synced things, it adjusted my time to 11:01. ONE SECOND. GRRRRR.
I trained the rest of the week but pretty much told myself that I was going to have to extend the goal. Saturday was the last day of the goal cycle and I just didn't think I was going to get it. I went for a walk with my brother and his wife to my parents. On the way home I decided I wanted some extra miles and took off on a different route. My path took me back in the direction of the trail and I thought to myself, can I? I'd already done 5 miles and wasn't sure I had it in me. But the thought of not finishing my goal with at least one more try got the better of me. I decided I needed to start sooner to avoid the problems at the finish and so, I took off about 4 blocks before the trailhead. I felt pretty good and just 'sucked it up' and plowed through the muddy patch. I avoided tripping over the off leash dog (grrrrr) and was undeterred by the man that felt he needed to educate me on the difference between the frisbee golf course and running trail with a 'trying to run a PR here!' and wave. I hit the 3/4 mile mark and was like, "please let this be over" but I kept going. Cruising along and knowing the end was in sight, I finally hear the words ," total distance 1 mile, total time: 9 minutes (WAIT, WHAT????) 47 seconds (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???). I stood staring at it for a few seconds and then frantically hit stop so that it would be recorded for posterity. And then I started crying. A nice woman asked me if I was okay. I just had to nod as my tomato red, tear stained face and still burning lungs couldn't explain what I was feeling. Not only had I run a sub 11 minute mile, I had just completed the goal I'd set for THE END of the year and run a sub 10 minute mile. My body has not run this fast in over 22 years. I called my mom. I called my friends. I fist pumped the sky. I prayed.
And then, I was honest with myself. I had set this goal and proudly proclaimed it. But I never really thought I could do it. I really had given up on myself. I thought I could get faster but 10 minute miles seemed like dreams for thinner people. My body finally told my brain to shut up.
And so, I've set new goals. I want to run a 30 minute 5k. I want to do another half marathon. I may actually want to do a full marathon. I am in uncharted territory here. I have never run this fast, or this far. I don't know what I'm capable of. It is scary and exhilarating.
What I do know is that I have to keep using my body so that I can lose my mind. I realize that my mind has been holding me back. If I can tame those negative voice then maybe I can use it AND lose the weight (and negativity) that's been holding me back.
Watch out world!
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